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***Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet
door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in
your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
***Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light.
Only view the world through the peep hole on your front door
***Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle
of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per
shower
***Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on
the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gauges
and indicators every 30 minutes.
***Take hourly readings on your electric, gas and water meters
***Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the
floor in your kitchen, never use it
***Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add
water to.
***Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during
the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden
hose while wearing a scuba mask.
***Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares
if it day or night.
***Shut off all the breakers in the house and yell "reactor scram', sit in the dark for at least an hour.
***Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in a 2'X2' space that has lots of cables running through it.
***Lock
all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for
at least three weeks, discarding two of five
***Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks
going uphill, and use foul language. Thirty years later, go to reunions with them
***Drills:
a. Yell "Torpedo Evasion" and run through the house knocking over everything
that isn't bolted down.
b. Yell "Man Overboard" and throw the cat in the pool.
c. Overflow the bathtub and yell "Flooding in the bathroom".
d. Put your stereo headphone on (don't
plug them in), stand in front of the stove and yell "Battle Stations Missile".
e. Install a fireman's
pole and a ladder in your living room so you can practice yelling "Dive-Dive", have the wife slide down the pole while you
time her.
***Sit up from 1130 to 0530 in front of your stove to insure it doesn't turn on by accident.
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***Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books
***When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side
to level off the top.
***Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off
of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
***Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to
nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
***Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets.
Hold a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves.
***Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them
***Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions
on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.
***Practice walking quickly with your back to the wall
***Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific
gravities
***Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times
the watch standers and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed
around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter
crash alarms, and a new wave rock band
***Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and
then restore power.
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